Dear Lorelai
by Faithful Magewhisper
Summary: Talking doesn't get them anywhere, so maybe a letter will.
1. Honesty

A./N.: This is my first fanfiction for Gilmore Girls. I started this story for my best friend who is a huge fan of the series. The idea for this sort of ff came to me while reading the Diana Gabaldon series (once again) and I could suddenly envision Emily doing something like this. So hope you enjoy. Ilane

_**Dear Lorelai**_

_My dear Lorelai_ – I wrote, and stopped. I couldn't. Couldn't possibly be contemplating to apologize to my child in writing, but whenever we met and made an attempt to speak about what had transpired in the past we fought and hurt each other further. To see those three black words stark on the page brought the whole mad idea into a cold clarity that struck me to the bone.

My hand shook, and the tip of the pen made small wavering circles in the air above the paper. I put it down, and clasped my hands between my thighs, eyes closed.

"Get a grip on yourself, Gilmore," I muttered. "Write the stupid thing and have done with it. If she doesn't need it, it will do no harm, and if she does, it will be there." I picked up the pen and began again.

_I don't know if you will ever read this, but perhaps it's as well to set it down. This is what I know of your grandparents, your great-grandparents, and your medical history ..._

I wrote for some time, covering page after page. My mind grew calmer with the effort of recall, and the necessity of setting down the information clearly, and then I stopped, thinking.

What could I tell her, beyond those few bare bloodless facts? How to impart what sparse wisdom I had gained in sixty-five years of a fairly eventful live? My mouth twisted wryly in consideration of that. Did any daughter listen? I had tried and Lorelai had always snapped at me and not taken my advice. Would I, had my mother been there to tell me?

It made no difference, though; I would just have to set it down, to be of use if it could.

But what was true, that would last forever, in spite of changing times and ways, what would stand her in good stead? Most of all, how could I tell her just how much I loved her?

The enormity of what I was about to do gaped before me, and my fingers clenched tight on the pen. I couldn't think – not and do this. I could only set the pen to the paper and hope.

_Baby __–_ I wrote, and stopped. Then swallowed hard, and started again.

_You are my baby, and always will be. You will know what that means since you have a child of your own, anyway – you'll always be as much a part of me as when you shared my body and I felt you move inside. Always._

_I can look at you, asleep, and think of all the nights I tucked you in, coming in the dark to listen to your breathing, lay my hand on you and feel your chest rise and fall, knowing that no matter what happens, everything is right with the world because you are alive._

_All the names I've called you through the years – my pumpkin, precious dove, darling, sweetheart, yes even bighead ... I know why the Jews and Muslims have nine hundred names for God; one small word is not enough for love._

I blinked hard to clear my vision, and went on writing, fast; I didn't dare take time to choose my words, or I would never write them.

_I remember everything about you, from the tiny line of black down that zigged across your forehead when you were hours old to the bumpy toenail on the big toe you broke last year, when you had that fight with Luke and kicked the door of his pickup truck, even though you think I never listen to you. _

_God, it broke my heart when it all so suddenly stopped – that watching you, seeing all the tiny changes, seeing you grow suddenly taller than I, and your face take its shape. I always will remember, Lorelai, I always will._

_There's probably no one else on earth, Lorelai, who knows what the back of your ears looked like when you were three years old. I used to sit beside you, reading "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" or "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" and see those ears turn pink with happiness. Your skin was so clear and fragile, I thought a touch would leave fingerprints on you._

_You look like Richard, I told you. You have something from me, too, though – look at the picture of my mother, in the box, and the little black-and-white one of her mother and grandmother. You have that broad clear brow they have; so do I. I've seen a good many of the Gilmores, too – I think you'll age well, if you take care of your skin._

_Take care of everything, Lorelai – oh, I wish – well, I have wished I could take care of you and protect you from everything all your life, but I can't, whether you let me or not. Take care of yourself, though – for me._

The tears were puckering the paper now; I had to stop to blot them, lest they smear the ink beyond reading. I wiped my face, and resumed, slower now.

_You should know, Lorelai – I don't regret it. In spite of everything, I don't regret it. You'll __know something now, of how lonely I was in the first months after you left. It doesn't matter. If the price of that separation was a little more understanding between us, neither Richard nor I can regret it – I know he wouldn't mind my speaking for him._

_It would be a lie to say we weren't disappointed in you, Lorelai. You were a child, more importantly my child, when you became pregnant. You hear of girls getting pregnant when they are still underage but you never think that could happen to your own child. _

_When you told us that you were with child, I was shocked and afraid. Why was I afraid, you might ask and I know that this time I will have to answer. You have to understand, Lorelai, that this is hard for me; I was never very good at expressing my feelings, anyway ..._

I swallowed the lump in my throat with some difficulties and I had to set down the pen for a moment. My hands were shaking so badly that I was afraid I would mess up the whole page. How could I tell my only child about this? How could I expect her to understand? I closed my eyes for a few moments, trying to calm my breathing and my shaking hands. As soon as I succeeded, I grabbed the pen and wrote furiously.

_You were a difficult pregnancy. In my fourth month I sat on the patio in the sun when all of a sudden I started bleeding and cramping. I was so afraid that I could lose you. _A single tear hit the page before my steely resolve took over again. _The last thing I can remember is calling out to your father. Then blackness engulfed me and I cannot remember what happened next. All I know is that I woke in the hospital, still with terrible cramps and doctors hovering over me. What I deduced from their worried glances and your father's thoughtfulness afterwards is that I had been damn close to losing you. But I didn't. For the next months I followed the doctors' orders to the t but still bled lightly from time to time. In my last month they ordered bed-rest and I was slowly getting stir-crazy. Your father was admirably, helping me deal with my frustration and enduring my mood swings. Finally the calculated birth date was reached but suddenly you weren't too eager to be born. A week after the due date the doctors induced labour. Suffice it to, it lasted 23 hours and I nearly died during it. I bled heavily and my uterus sunk through my abdomen. They had to do an emergency operation and remove it. You were my first and my only child and would always be._

Again tears were puckering the page but I forced myself to swallow them and continue on doggedly. I couldn't stop now or I would never start again.

_I hope you will never understand what that means to a young woman not yet married for more than four years._

_When you told me that you were pregnant I was so afraid you would have the same problems as I had. I was so afraid to lose my baby, my only child. You misunderstood my concern for you for trying to control your life. It was never meant as that, Lorelai, never. _

_And in the hospital when I yelled at you for leaving us nothing but a note ... I was terrified. I felt as though I would cry hysterically if I didn't yell ... I did in fact cry hysterically after you were wheeled away. I think this is another mistake I made in your up-bringing. I always yelled rather than deal with my true emotions. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Please believe me, Lorelai, when I say I'm sorry._

_Rory brought not only new life to our house and lives but was also like the sun, brightening our days with her smiles. Neither your father nor I regret her existence. We are so lucky to have her and we love her very much indeed. Only your timing was a little off ..._

_We wanted you to get married to Christopher not to get rid of you but only because it was the proper thing to do and we were raised to always do the proper thing, no matter the personal sacrifices._

_It broke my heart when you left our home to find your own life ... so very far away from ours._Again my hands shook and memories flashed before my eyes. I saw her note before me instead of my own letter and heard my own voice ringing in my ears, calling for Lorelai and Rory._I don't want to cause you a guilty conscience, don't think that, but I feel that you have to know what happened in that first month after you left. _

_Your father immediately called the police but they told us that you were nothing but an angry teenager who wanted to show her parents that she was all grown-up now and that you would probably be camping out at a friend's. They told us to wait till morning when you would stand in front of the door again__, they were sure. _

_How I hoped you would show up the next morning? I prayed to God to bring you home, I begged him and promised that I would be a much better mother than before. But you never came back. _

_After two days my hope had dwindled away and I was begging God to just see you safe and let me know that my little girl hadn't been robed, raped and murdered. _My hand shook so badly at those words that they came out all messy and barely readable. _When no calls from the police came in for days, I collapsed and sobbed for what seemed like hours. Your father called Joshua and then carried me upstairs to our bedroom. He placed me on the bed and tucked me in. For the next month this became my permanent resting place. I rarely ate and didn't get up anymore. Richard was very worried for my health and sanity. It was your aunt Hope, with the help of Sweetie, who got me to pull myself together in the end._

_I gave up on my anger a long time ago. The disappointment and sorrow are harder to overcome and forgive. I only want you to be happy ... and maybe let me be part of your life. Not because I force you to but because you want me to. _

_Mia, the owner of the Independence Inn, called us and told us that you had started to work for her. She told us that you were homesick but didn't want to show that and that Rory cried every night before falling asleep. I guess you have inherit my pride, anyway – six years ago when Mia came to check on the Inn and you, I went over and asked her for pictures from back then. _

_Seeing those pictures shows me clearly how much I have missed out on. I know now that I am to blame for that. Don't get me wrong, I don't take full blame but I can swallow my pride today and say that I made mistakes._

_Lorelai ... you are my joy. You're perfect, and wonderful – and I hear you saying now, in that tone of exasperation, "And why did you never tell me that before?" I must admit that I cannot think of a reason except my pride._

_Lorelai, you are worth everything – and more. I've done a great many things in my life so far, but the most important of them all was to love your father and you._

I blew my nose and reached for another fresh sheet of paper. That was the most important thing; I could never say all I felt, but this was the best I could do. What might I add, to be of aid in living well, in growing old? What had I learned, that I might pass on to her?

_Choose a man like your father_, I wrote. _Once you've chosen a man, don't try to change him__,_ I wrote, with more confidence. _It can't be done. More important – don't let him try to change you. He can't do it either, but men always try._

I bit the end of the pen, tasting the bitter tang of ink. And finally I put down the last and the best advice I knew, on growing older.

_Stand up straight and try not to get fat._

_With All My Love Always,_

_Mum_


	2. Answer

I stood now in front of my daughter's house and was yet again undecided as to whether or not I should deliver the letter. Would it really serve its purpose and heal the relationship between my daughter and me? Or would it rather make things worse?

Looking up to the windows of the upper floor, I saw light in Lorelai's bedroom. My little girl wasn't asleep yet and I couldn't stay here much longer lest I be discovered. I sighed in defeat. There was nothing to do except either put the letter into Lorelai's mailbox or drive home with the letter still in my purse.

Trembling slightly, I reached out and traced Lorelai's name on her mailbox gently as if it were her cheek. Then I heaved another sigh and opened it resolutely, lying the letter into it gently. With a final and, in my ears, resounding click I closed the box again.

Lorelai yawned widely as she stumbled across her lawn. Today was one of those days, she had the feeling that it would be better to stay in bed. It was cold and wet from all the rain lately and this depressing weather was having its effect on her.

Without looking, really looking, she opened the letter box and withdrew her mail.

Only inside as she was refilling her coffee cup, she noticed that one of the letters bore the handwriting of her mother. A deep frown appeared on her forehead. What did she want now? And why did she think she had to invite her by mail?

Yes, she had spent … wasted years fighting with her parents and refusing to come home, but she regretted it. Really she did. Why else would she have promised her parents to come to Friday night dinners even without Rory? She had hoped they could build a relationship. Now that had obviously been a stupid idea!

Sighing heavily, Lorelai turned back to her cup of coffee and pondered what could be in this letter. Had she missed any important events her mother had mentioned and was invited in writing? A gala, or business lunch-on? … No, that couldn't be it. She had paid attention to her mother's life lately. She even had to admit it was more exciting than she had thought. Lorelai had even started to copy her mother at work … even though she would rather die than admit it loud … well, not in front of her mother.

Hesitating briefly, she reached out and took the letter from the top of the pile. Ripping it open without ceremony, Lorelai reached in and pulled out several sheets of paper … more than a simple invitation would take up. Unless, of course, her mother had added the dress code by listing all the things which were taboo.

Lorelai's chuckle quickly died and was replaced by tears.

**Dear Emily**

My heart was breaking and I closed my eyes. Lorelai hadn't even been able to call me her mother. Tears escaped down my cheeks and I pressed my right hand to my mouth to hold in my sob of renewed grief.

I had known that this stupid letter was a stupid, stupid idea! How could I be naive enough to believe a letter could change the relationship to my daughter? Why was I always making things worse? Burying my head in my hands and taking deliberately shallow breaths, I tried to muster up enough courage to actually read the letter.

**Dear Emily, **

**I appreciate your letter ... I really do. You come forward with your feelings more than you ever did while I lived in your house.**

**I'm not sure I can believe all you wrote down ... I want to but ... I guess the question is:**

**WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME BEFORE? **

**By now, I'm sure, you know how suppressed, unhappy and unloved I felt as a child.**

Nodding vigorously, I remembered the many fights I had had with my daughter. Her exact words had been: "You tried to control me!" "Why do you never care, mother?" Did Lorelai really not know how much I love her, how much these fights affected me too? But on with the letter before I lost my nerve.

**You mentioned that I was the 'brightest in my class' and an uncontrollable rebel. I remember well what you mean. How can I not? *I chuckle at that* Some of our best fights have been over those frilly, white cotillion dresses. You almost always won, too. I really hated those dresses.**

I chuckled as well, remembering all too clearly both our stormy tempers flaring and our angry voices ... but this time I also remembered the mischievous glint in Lorelai's eyes. So the little girl had just goaded me!

**You know why I did that? Because you never ignored me when I made you mad. The other times it always seemed that the DAR, or the newest maid, or Dad and organizing a party for him, or really anything was more important to you. I know (I heard it a million times) that you provided the best for me, that you did what you thought ****was best for me. Not once did you stop and ask me if that was what I wanted because, Mum, it wasn't. All I ever wanted was a mum. A real mum to cuddle, to go shopping with, to talk to about boys … the kind of mum I was, still am, for Rory.**

**You once asked me why we didn't have what I and Rory have. I now want to answer you that question more fully.**

I swallowed and tried to calm my wildly beating heart. What else was to come? And how much more would I be able to handle? But as always I doggedly pursued the once chosen path and read on.

**Rory and I live in a democracy. ****We both**** decide what we want to do. I have, of course, the 'mum card' but I rarely use it. Rory has as much say in important matters as I have and we come to a compromise if we can't agree.**

**When I finally mastered up the courage to tell you and Dad that I was pregnant, I didn't expect you to be happy or 'throw me a party'. I was in as much of a shock as you were. Do you really think I planned to get knocked up at 16? No, hell no! But I decided to grow up and handle the consequences as an adult. Whereas you still treated me as a teenager … you still do that sometimes. Not for a second you considered that. You never asked me if I was ready to marry Christopher. Dad never asked him if he really wanted to work for Dad's company.**

Sighing, I had to admit she was right … like so many times … as a teenager and now as an adult.

**What I wished for was not a mum and dad who took care of matters concerning a vague future. I wished instead for a dad who would yell at Christopher and maybe punch him in the face … in short I wanted a dad who cared and protected me.**

**Mum, you were mad, and I get that, and immediately started to reproach me … that I had thrown away my bright future, that I had sullied the Gilmore name, that I … but enough. We both know what was said. **Oh yes, I knew … all too well and it still hurt because by now I realized that exactly this behavior had driven Lorelai away. **All I wanted, though, was for my mum to hug me and take away my fear, to tell me we would work something out, that everything would be fine, that this wasn't the end of the world … it just felt like it. **Tears streamed down my cheeks. Lorelai had never seemed contrite or afraid but rather self-assured and angry at us. Had I known my little girl hurt so much would I have acted differently? My heart cried out, _'Yes, of course! I love Lorelai! She is my daughter'_, but my mind objected, _'I don't know. I was so disappointed and angry'_.

**I never knew you had a miscarriage. Why did you never tell me? Why does this family always keep secrets? Why can't we open up to each other? … Oh, yeah, that's why … we just don't talk about certain things in our social circle.**

**Mum, seriously, I'm so sorry, so very sorry you had to go through something like this. Now I understand why you wanted to control my every step while pregnant, you wanted to make sure I was safe and nothing would happen to me. And you had me adorned in all these silly things because I was your only child and you knew I would always be. Mum, please believe me: I would have understood, I wouldn't have fought you as strongly as I did. I would have made it more gently, less abrupt.**

I set the page down on my desk, hands trembling, and I felt Richard's presence behind me, staring intently at my back, trying to read my thoughts.

So Trix had been right all those years ago. I had driven Lorelai away from home, from her father. My stupid pride had cost us our daughter … and very nearly our granddaughter as well.

I couldn't go on reading. I couldn't go through the listing of my failures. I loved Lorelai, always had, but I realized – too late – that I had never really shown her or told her. Still she didn't hate me but felt sorry for my losses and was understanding, realizing she may have made mistakes as well.

Trembling from head to toe, I got up and fell instantly back onto my chair, my legs too weak and wobbly to hold my weight. Determinedly I rose again, locking my knees and pushing onto my desktop with my hands. All I wanted right now was to get out of this house … of this tomb of bitter memories.


	3. Worried Sick

A.N.: I know, I know. It is months that I updated and I'm sorry. I'll do it regularly from now on, promise. Life is crazy at times and my turn was in the last months. Anyway ... So here is the next chapter. Plz read and review and be kind. :) Enjoy

LG Faithful

I drove aimlessly through Hartford, not paying particular attention to speed, direction or traffic. Somehow, after a while, I ended up in New Haven. My sub conscience had brought me to the place it all had started.

Parking my car haphazardly in the parking lot, I turned off the ignition and random parts of Lorelai's letter swirled in my mind.

**I appreciate your letter … Why did you never tell me before? … anything was more important to you … you never ignored me when I made you mad … a real mum …**

Tears fell on my hands, which were tightly gripping the fabric of my skirt. I had believed that children wanted autonomy, to discover the world on their own. Of course I had tried to protect Lorelai from everything when she was young. And I did. Memories flew out, through the cracks under and beside the door to that secret part in my heart.

_Lorelai is two years old and discovering our house. Walking wobbly on her chubby legs, she makes her way to the end of the corridor. I'm so proud of my little girl and clap my hands._

_ "Well done, sweetheart. You grow up so fast."_

_Lorelai turns around and laughs back at me over her shoulder, her eyes ablaze with mischief. Then she turns around again, walking unsteadily closer to the stairs. Suddenly she stumbles and the world slows down. I am on my feet and running to catch her before any conscious thought can enter my mind. Balancing precariously at the edge of the stairs with one hand brazed on the handrail, I catch my little girl before she can fall. My heart hammers deafeningly in my ears. Fear grips my mind. I could have lost my precious child._

This very same fear gripped my heart now.

But now I knew I really had lost my daughter. She hated me and I had driven her away.

oOoOoOo

The phone rang incessantly. Lorelai was starting to hate that sound. After all, this was her first day off in _months_. Besides, Sookie was at the Inn, having agreed to handle it for the day. Lorelai refused to believe Michel and Sookie were too incompetent to run the Inn for _one_ day. With her frustration level soaring high she answered the phone; "Whatever it is, Michel, I don't care! You are in charge, so deal with it!"

"Lorelai, this is your father. Don't hang up." Richard's voice sounded anxiously from the other end, his plea almost desperate.

"Dad?" Genuine surprise sounded in her voice. She had expected, really hoped for, a call from her mother concerning her answering letter. "What happened?"

"Your mother …" Lorelai's heart sank to her shoes. "… is she with you in Stars Hollow?" Her heart hit bottom.

"No," it was spoken very quietly, almost inaudibly. "Not again, oh please, not again," she whispered brokenly. "Didn't she read my letter, Dad?"

"She did. I have no idea what you wrote in it but she was resolving in tears and then stormed out of the house. I haven't seen her since and she won't answer her cell phone," Richard's voice sounded as broken as Lorelai's.

'She hasn't read it all! She hasn't read it all!' This one sentence rang over and over through her head, which began to spin and she had to sit down heavily on the sofa.

"Oh my God," she whispered, fully grasping what her father was saying. Her mother was missing again . . . and somehow Lorelai knew Emily would not resolve this matter by looking at a plane. "Where would Mum go, Dad?" she asked hoarsely, trying to hold back the threatening tears. Her mother needed her now, she could break down later. For the first time she realized how granted she had took her mother. Somehow she now felt responsible to set things right – once and for all.

Her father sighed deeply on the other end of the line. "Lorelai, I have no idea where your mother could be. You were my straw of hope," he admitted, not at all the strong, commanding man Lorelai remembered.

Lorelai's eyes closed, but could not keep the tears from leaking out. "I will find her, Dad, I promise," she said softly.

"We will go together if you have an idea," Richard degreed, partly so he could step in as a referee between Lorelai and Emily, partly to mark the place should she ever decide to bail again, partly to give her a piece of his mind, but mostly to see for himself that she was in one piece and safe, unhurt.

"I don't know, Dad. It's between her and . . ."

"Do you honestly think, Lorelai, that I didn't suffer under losing my only daughter. It shocked me to the very bone, and then, seeing Emily fall apart, hurt worse than you could ever imagine. Rory was right all along. We, as a family, have to sit down and talk it out, all the little hurt-outs, all the pain. I will come with you . . ."

"Dad, that's it! And yes, I know, I hurt you, too. I do remember the disastrous dinner with Straub and Francine. We will talk, but I think you just solved our immediate problem," Lorelai interrupted him eagerly.

"What? How did I do that?" Richard asked, clearly confused.

"Rory, Dad, Rory! She was always so close to you and Mum and you adore that little girl. She's the key. Could you call Rory and ask if she has heard anything from Mum? I'll get on my way and ask Patty to come over in case Mum calls. OK?"

Lorelai heard her father sigh in relief, before he, rather breathlessly, answered her, "Please hurry."

"I'm on my way, Dad," Lorelai promised again sincerely. Closing her eyes for a moment, she breathed deeply before hanging up. Without talking to her father she couldn't stop the shaking from overtaking her body. She trembled violently and had trouble dialing the number. In fact she had to do it twice before she got it right.

"Yes?"

"Luke . . ." Her voice broke, tears chocking her. "I'm sorry but . . . I need you . . ."

"Right over," he said without much ado, interrupting her ramblings. Before he hung up, Lorelai could hear him yell for Cesar. She fell back on the couch, grateful that she and Luke were once more close and on the best way to get back together. That kiss at Rory's going-away-party had been amazing and now they were both dancing around each other, neither quite sure how to get 'we' started again. 'Mum would freak …'

Shock reverberated in waves through her body. Lorelai hadn't realized how much she valued her mother's opinion, how much she took her mother for granted … how much she missed her. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she swiped at them angrily, berating herself not to jump to the worst-case-scenario, that was after all what her mother always …

New tears streamed over her face and she buried her head in her hands. "I should have gone to her – not send a stupid, stupid letter."

oOoOoOo

As Luke and Lorelai were driving to Hartford, Lorelai kept berating herself silently. She knew that this was frightening Luke – she usually being the vocal one, ranting on without end. Now, though, she could only hope that Rory had heard anything from her grandmother. If not, they would be at a loss as to where to look for Emily. Lorelai knew her mother and knew that she wouldn't be in her usual spots. More likely she was somewhere that was special to her. Wrecking her brain, Lorelai was frantically going over her mother's life … but was drawing a blank.

"I should know Mum's hiding places," she groaned, burying her head in her hands. "But nothing! I don't know my parents at all."

Luke sighed heavily. He remembered a similar rant when Richard had had his angina and Lorelai had tried to remember nice father-daughter moments they had shared. He took one hand off the steering wheel and took Lorelai's in his, squeezing gently.

"Honey, you haven't lost her yet. There is still time to get to know her," he said quietly. "We will find her, you will talk and that will be the start to a whole new relationship with your parents."

Luke somehow always knew what to say to make her feel better. It was amazing to have him back in her life … she prayed that this time would be permanent. Squeezing his hand silently, Lorelai relaxed, her mind drifting off into the past.

_ "Mummy, mummy!" My high, girlish voice easily carries through the whole house. Before I reach the living room, I hear mum sigh in exasperation. Grinning broadly at getting a rise out of her again, I skip down the last steps and come skidding to a halt in front of mum. She raises an eyebrow at my behavior and opens her mouth, but before she can voice a reprimand I ask my question first._

_ "How did you meet Dad?"_

_That shuts her up. Her mouth closes again and she simply stares at me. She clearly hasn't expected that. Then her eyes narrow and she asks suspiciously, "Why do you want to know?"_

_ "Well, we have to write an essay for Valentine's Day," I explain, looking earnestly at mum, willing her to understand that I don't want to mock her._

_Her eyes soften and a faint glow comes to her cheeks. "Oh, well," she says quietly, "I suppose I could tell you … should tell you, as a matter of fact."_

_I stare at her and then a smile breaks out over my face. Squealing, I jump onto the couch next to mum and snuggle up to her with my legs tugged under. For the first time she doesn't tell me to sit straight, instead she leans into me and wraps her arms around my shoulders._

_ "Where do I start?" she asks playfully. "I guess it all started in Yale, the college your daddy went to … it was the most magical, happiest moment in my life …"_

A squeal erupted from Lorelai's lips, making Luke jerk violently.

"I KNOW WHERE SHE IS!"

"That's great, but could you maybe not cause me a heart attack," Luke said tersely."

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey," Lorelai said, not at all sounding too apologetic. "She is in Yale," she squealed only a second later, too elated by her discovery to keep quite.

"Geez, Lorelai!" exclaimed Luke again, before slightly turning to her and still keeping an eye on the road. "How do you know that?"

"It's where she met Dad, where I wanted to go to college, and Rory _did _go to. She is sentimental at times and I just have a feeling that she is there. Trust me on that, Luke. Besides we don't have anywhere else."

"Alright, let's get your Dad and drive to New Haven."

He let go of her hand and patted her knee before he turned into the driveway of the Gilmores.

oOoOoOo

I still sat on the bench not far from where Richard had proposed to me, when a young couple walked by. They looked so happy and carefree. Wondering that if I had known what the future held for me, I asked myself if I hadn't made a terrible mistake when I had accepted Richard's proposal. I was the reason he only had one child and that the relationship with said child was always marked by fights. He should have married Pennylyn. Then he would have more children. She had always wanted a stall full of children, she was easy, soft-spoken and quiet. In short she might be boring but she was the perfect wife. I was more interesting then 'the mouse' but only in the sense that I wouldn't say 'yes and amen' to everything. Trix had been right; I definitely was not cut out to be a Gilmore.

Lorelai only inherited my strong will and stubbornness. So why was it so surprising that we fought so often? Other mothers and daughters did too, but somehow they would make up eventually, lying in each other's arms. The more Lorelai and I fought, though, the more we drifted apart. It was maddening to know that whenever I tried to be part of her life, she shut herself off from me. I was hurting from baring my emotions to Lorelai and she had yet again driven a knife into the wound. With difficulty I had accepted the distance Lorelai had put between us – a distance she seemed to need. Grudgingly she had come closer to us again … I give Rory credit for it.

I was so wrapped up in my miserable thoughts that I paid no heed whatsoever to my surroundings. All I know is that suddenly someone plopped on the bench next to me, startling me. Almost in hysterics, I pressed a hand to my bosom and tried to even my breathing again. Deciding to ignore the newcomer – I was really in no mood for company – I turned around further and hid my face. All of a sudden, though, I felt a hand resting lightly on my shoulder. Indignantly I spin around, ready to give this impertinent person a piece of my mind.

"What do you … Lorelai?" I was speechless. My daughter was the very last person I had expected to show up here.

"Hey, Mum," she said softly and raised a finger to trace a tear down my cheek. "You had us worried, Mum." There was no accusation in her voice, only relief that she had found me at last. Looking into her eyes, I could see the little girl, she had once been, gazing back at me, hoping for a kind word from me and the reassurance that everything was alright. My heart cried out to wrap my arms around her but I was wary from years of being pushed away … and after her letter … Better play it safe and hurt her before she could hurt me more than she already had.

"What are you doing here?" Admittedly, it came out even harsher than I had intended for it to sound. The hurt look on Lorelai's face told me that it would be too late to take my words back. Closing my eyes, I waited for the explosion I was sure would come any minute now. I waited – for what else could I do? – but no explosion came. Instead I felt two arms wrapping tightly around my shoulders and Lorelai's cheek pressing against mine. Peeking out from under my lowered eyelashes, I glazed at Lorelai, seeing her shoulders shake and feeling the wetness of her tears on my cheek.

"Oh, Mum," she whispered. "Did you really think you could disappear and Dad wouldn't notice? Did you really think he wouldn't move heaven and hell to find you again? Did you really think I wouldn't be the first place he checked for you? Did you really think I wouldn't care and worry about you?"

I was speechless, unable to come up with an answer … and really, I doubt she expected one. My own eyes were overflowing, though. Finally words came back to me, showing my only child how much I hurt inside. The letter to her had opened up the floodgate in the dam I had constructed around my emotions since the moment I found her letter on the dining table, saying she was gone from our lives forever. Now it seemed I couldn't stop my emotions from breaking free anymore.

"You gave me no indication that I meant anything to you … except being an annoyance and making your life miserable."

Lorelai drew back, clearly appalled by my words. "No, Mum, honest," she gushed out. "You mean the world to me … why else do you think you could hurt me so much with your disapproval?"

"But … but your letter …"

Lorelai interrupted me. "You never finished reading it, mummy," she reminded me.


	4. Carbon Copy

A./N.: I'm truly sorry for not having updated in decades it feels. I started a new job at a school and was quite busy getting situated and comfortable in my new role. Again I'm sorry my writing suffered the consequences and so you did as well. But here is a new chapter now and I hope I haven't lost my touch. Hope you enjoy reading and please leave a review for me ... that what the nice botton at the foot of the page is for. ;)

LG Faithful

Lorelai drew a carbon copy from her letter out of the back pocket of her jeans and opened it. Seeing my expression, she grinned apologetically. "I got the idea from Trix ... but for better reasons," she mumbled. "I hoped you would read all, but ... well, I know you." She grinned again, this time with pure mischief sparking in her eyes, reminding me more than ever of my little baby girl.

I was aware that I was staring … with my mouth unbecomingly hanging open … eyes wide. Lorelai was teasing me … with Trix' memory. Swallowing hard, I shut my mouth with a snap and immediately fell into our routine; scowling at Lorelai, I drew my lips into a disapproving, thin line, replying in a prim voice.

"You always had more from the Gilmore's side of the family."

Lorelai actually laughed – having spotted, for the first time ever, my twinkling eyes and the almost imperceptically upturned corners of my mouth.

"Funny, Trix always told me I had too much of you in me," she shot back, chuckling softly before becoming serious again. "You shouldn't have bolted, mum. You should have finished reading the letter."

I could see the pain and worry I had inflicted on my little girl. With a trembling hand I reached out and stroked her cheek softly. Instead of turning away, as I had half-feared, Lorelai cupped my hand with hers against her cheek and closed her eyes. My heart swelled with a sense of happiness I had thought had died when she left my house. It seemed, though, that she was coming back to me.

"I tried to be a good mum, Lorelai … God knows I tried," I whispered, my eyes fixed on our entwined hands. "I never wanted to become my own mother, b-but I did." It was incredibly hard to admit that – to me as well as to Lorelai. "I ran from your judgment as well as her shadow over me."

"But you shouldn't have, Emily," a male voice behind me said gently, barely suppressing its hurt emotions – a voice I knew well and loved dearly.

Turning around, but not letting go of Lorelai's hand, I looked behind me and saw Richard standing beside our bench, looking anxiously down on me. I could clearly see how much I had frightened him, how much I had hurt him. Dropping my gaze I nodded. "I am truly sorry, Richard."

He dropped down next to me. His arms engulfed me and I felt my face being buried into the warm folds of his coat – over his still wildly beating heart. I closed my eyes and let go – let go of my feeble control over my fear, anger, desperation, sadness and joy. It all burst forth, drowning out Richard's voice, blinding me to my daughter's face. I wasn't aware that I was sobbing at first because of the emotional rollercoaster I was on, but slowly it registered and I pressed my face deeper into Richard's chest. From an early age on I had been warned to never show weakness … I stopped dead in the middle of my thought. Again! I had done it again, acting like my mother. It was a conscious decision when I raised my tear-stained face up to meet Richard's worried gaze. It was a conscious decision not to hide my feelings anymore. Lorelai's letter had stated it was me never telling her how much she meant to me, never hugging her after her first few years, never openly showing her how proud I was of her, that had driven her away. My decision was to be the mother Lorelai wanted to have – was to Rory, as she had said and I had witnessed. I had nothing to lose except my pride … and what was my pride compared to the happiness of my family? After all I had once lost my daughter years ago and had come close to lose my husband for good last year. I couldn't take chances anymore.

"I …"

Richard interrupted me by kissing my lips softly. As he wanted to withdraw again, I cupped the back of his head and held him in place. Softly, as soft as I knew how, I caressed his lips with mine, hoping to show him how sorry I truly was, how much I loved him. His lips moved against mine, reciprocating the kiss with ardor, drawing me closer to him with his arms around my waist. A discreet clearing of a throat nearby brought me back to Yale and Lorelai. Truthfully I expected her disapproving gaze on us and a snippy remark along the lines of "Hey, guys, off-spring present!" Instead Lorelai had turned around and looked the path over to give us privacy. Then I saw two colleagues of Richard coming down the path and I understood the interruption. Gratefully I placed a hand on Lorelai's arm, thanking her silently.

"Let's get you inside, Emily," Richard said quietly. "Then you can read Lorelai's letter and warm up in my office."

"Good idea." Lorelai agreed instantly. "I saw a coffee cart …" she trailed off, then she jumped up and ran past us. "Oh, I love, love, love you, my savior." And I saw her throwing herself into Luke's arms, grabbing for a paper cup in his hands. He held it up, though, and shook his head.

"No, Lorelai, that's for your mother," he explained and we could see Lorelai's face fall.

"You so like her better than me," she groused, causing Richard's chest to vibrate with barely concealed laughter. I couldn't hold in my own chuckle, hearing those two bickering. They reminded me of Richard and myself.

"I think you had enough coffee for today," Luke retorted easily, sidestepping around Lorelai and coming to me. "I hope I got it right. Coffee with a drop of milk and one lump of sugar?"

"Perfect," I assured him, smiling up to him. "Thank you."

oOoOoOo

Nursing a cup for herself now, Lorelai sauntered over to Richard's desk and hopped onto it. Dangling her legs over the edge, she looked more like a teenager than a grown woman. Richard raised an eyebrow at her, but didn't say anything, simply handing her a napkin and saving his students' essays. Luke stood next to the door, leaning leisurely against the wall.

I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. At home I had asked Richard to give me some privacy to read Lorelai's letter and he had been kind enough to grant it, knowing how hard it would be for me to keep my feelings in check. Now in front of my family I wouldn't be able to hide them.

A sigh escaped my lips unchecked … it would be harder to break old habits than I had thought. Lorelai and Richard seemed to misinterpret it, though, for my husband shot our daughter a speculative glance, clearly asking himself what had been in the letter and how much more would come. I started to tremble, suddenly asking myself the same thing. I wasn't sure if I could handle more.

Lorelai hopped off the desk hurriedly, oblivious that she knocked over the few photo-frames Richard had placed there. In a rush she was by my side and hesitantly placed her arms around my shoulders.

"Oh, Mum," she whispered. "I'm so sorry … I shouldn't have written all the bad stuff first."

She was genuinely sorry. I knew that because I knew my child, and Lorelai had never held back her true feelings from us, despite stretching the truth a bit with everything else. Before I could reply – even formulate a reply in my mind – she went on, "Where did you stop?" she asked, her head still on my shoulder.

Swallowing hard, I gathered my courage and stammered out, "You w-wrote you were s-sorry for …" Inner pain overwhelmed me again and I pressed my lips together to keep from crying.

Lorelai nodded, though. Suddenly I held the carbon copy in my trembling hands. Clumsily I tried to open it … but I needn't have bothered.

Mum, seriously, I'm so sorry, so very sorry you had to go through something like this. Now I understand why you wanted to control my every step while pregnant, you wanted to make sure I was safe and nothing would happen to me. And you had me adorned in all these silly things because I was your only child and you knew I would always be. Mum, please believe me: I would have understood, I wouldn't have fought you as strongly as I did. I would have made it more gently, less abrupt.

Lorelai recited her own letter by heart.

I thought you wanted to control me, not protect me. Only now I see how wrong I had been.

My leaving seemed, at the time, like the best thing I could do. I would be free of your judgement – the verbal one and the silent one I could read in your eyes and Dad's - , I could prove that I didn't need anyone and especially not your money.

Boy, was I wrong!

I had taken all the money I had saved – it hadn't been overly much – and grabbed a few clothes. I honestly thought that things would somehow work out, that everything would fall into place. On the second day, after sleeping on a bench in the railroad station of Hartford, I realized that I had no idea where to go, plus I was sure you would call the police. So I bought a ticket on the first train and it so happened that this train drove to Stars Hollow. My second night was spent in 'Miss Patty's Dance School' – that woman really has a habit of leaving her doors unlocked.

Rory cried almost the whole time because you and Dad weren't there and she wanted to go home.

I cried at night, when Rory slept, because I wanted to go home.

Lorelai's voice wobbled precariously. I couldn't help myself; I hugged my daughter as closely to my bosom as possible. She had been afraid and lonely … she had been hurting and I desperately wished I could have been with her, reassuring her of my love, that it was alright to come home. We would have welcomed her home with open arms. My own pain was quite forgotten.

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Richard surge forward and in the next moment his arms were around us both. My eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, my little girl," I sighed against her soft black hair, "when did we drift apart so?"

Lorelai fought tears and only shook her head, mutely. It was apparent that she wanted to get the contents of her letter out first. Stroking her cheek, I tried to smile reassuringly and nodded for her to go on, not trusting my voice. Lorelai's voice certainly trembled as she spoke.

"Please, Mum, Dad, let me finish or I'll lose my courage," she whispered, then cleared her throat and went on.

After this horrible night I was ready to go home and submit to your rules concerning my life.

Walking through Stars Hollow I noticed the towns unique charm. Everything seemed so … fairy-tale, you know, too good to be true and I thought how nice it would be to live here. The town's people were a little nutty, just like me, and so refreshingly different from what I was used from my school friends, your DAR friends, and Dad's business associates. Miss Patty hadn't found me this morning and now she stood in front of her Dance School, loudly instructing her students while simultaneously chatting with everyone who passed.

Mia happened to walk by and Miss Patty asked, for the whole town to hear, if she had already found a new maid for the Inn. She laughed and said, "Goodness, no, I'll let you know when I do. Just send anyone who asks for a job straight to me." She seemed like a very nice woman but also one who knew what she wanted and how to get it. Plus I wasn't that desperate yet to take on any job. After all I had attended an ivy-league high-school and had had excellent grades. As the day went on, I noticed that my money was rapidly dwindling away. Rory needed diapers and food and you know my appetite.

So I started to reconsider my pride. I wanted to prove that I was all grown up and could take care of my child alone. Not that swallowing my pride was easy … I do take after you, Mum … but in the end I asked Miss Patty for directions to the Inn.

I guess she knew right away that I was a runaway – so did Mia when I stood before her.

Lorelai stopped and seemed a bit taken aback when she saw me nod. I tried to wave it off but she just narrowed her eyes at me, willing me to answer. Sighing heavily, I recounted the first time I met Mia.

_(I copied this from a website)_

_CUT TO LOBBY_

_[Mia is talking to a man as Emily walks into the inn.]_

_MAN: How about antiques?_

_MIA: Absolutely, it's the best place for antiques. Michel will have a map for you if you need it._

_MAN: Thank you._

_[the man walks away as Mia walks over to Emily]_

_MIA: Hello, can I help you?_

_EMILY: No, thank you. I just…_

_MIA: Yes?_

_EMILY: I just wanted to meet the woman who helped raise my daughter._

_MIA: Emily._

_EMILY: Yes, I'm Emily Gilmore._

_MIA: I've wanted to meet you too for a very long time._

_EMILY: Well, that's nice._

_MIA: Would you like to sit down? Or have something to eat? Have lunch with me, won't you?_

_EMILY: No, thank you. You have a lovely place here. It's a beautiful hotel. It's not a home, but still, a beautiful hotel._

_MIA: Sometimes home is where your hat is._

_EMILY: Or where your family is._

_MIA: Yes, that too. You sure you don't want some tea? Tea usually makes things like this a little less awkward. There's things to hold and stir._

_EMILY: I don't know why I came here._

_MIA: You wanted to meet me._

_EMILY: After all these years, it makes no sense._

_MIA: I expected you to come eventually._

_EMILY: Did you?_

_MIA: Mm hmm._

_EMILY: And what did you expect to say to me when I did come?_

_MIA: When Lorelai showed up on my porch that day with a tiny baby in her arms, I thought to myself, what if this were my daughter, and she was cold and scared and needed a place to live? What would I want for her? And then I thought, I'd want her to find somebody to take her in and make her safe and help her find her way._

_EMILY: That's funny. I would've wanted her to find someone who would send her home. I have to go. I'd appreciate if you didn't mention this to Lorelai._

_MIA: I won't._

_[Emily walks to the door, then stops]_

_EMILY: Do you have pictures, from back then?_

_MIA: I'll send you a box full tomorrow._

_EMILY: Thank you._

Both Richard and Lorelai stared at me, apparently not quite sure what to make of my revelations. Suddenly extremely self-conscious, I blushed and began to stutter, "Well, I h-had t-to … I don't know … I wanted to meet the woman … the woman who replaced me …"

Lorelai's raised hand stopped my ramblings and I feared she would be angry with me. Instead she surprised me again.

"Oh that. Yeah, Mia told me about it at her wedding. So you did care, Mum …?" Somehow it sounded unsure and a little hesitant. She still couldn't believe how much she meant to me, how much I loved her … and how desperately I wanted to be a part of her life and have her back in mine .

"Of course we cared, Lorelai." Richard's voice was disbelieving and painstakingly patient as if explaining the obvious. "I went to Mia … t-too … and …"

Under the incredulous stares from Lorelai and me he faltered and then shut his mouth with a snap.

"You did?" The question left our mouths simultaneously.


	5. Facets of Fear

"You did?" The question left our mouths simultaneously.

"Well, yes, I was visiting Stars Hollow after your call," he explained.

Both Lorelai and I knew what he was talking about. For weeks we hadn't had any word from either Lorelai or Rory, the police was searching the surrounding woods, scaring me to death. I couldn't even contemplate that my two girls weren't alright at that time. Then the phone had rang and Richard had hesitantly picked it up, fearful that a ransom would be demanded or someone had found a body.

I felt my heart beat accelerate at the memory. How I had feared for my daughter's life! With a sinking heart and wobbling legs I had watched the colour drain from my husband's face and had sat down with a thud on the sofa, feeling my heart stop and all strength leaving my body. I think I collapsed, but I don't know for sure since all went black. All I remember is Richard shouting Lorelai's name into the receiver.

"I had to reassure myself that you were in good health, that you were fed and had a roof over your head," Richard looked bashful, but also defiant. He took his role as head of family very seriously, especially the duty of protecting and providing for his family. Often times he seemed remote and more than a little oblivious to what went on in his family, but he loved his three girls fiercely. With Lorelai he had had, for many years, the feeling that he was obsolete in her life, that she was shutting him out and didn't need him anymore. Yes, our daughter was strong and independent and we were both incredibly proud of her for that, but it also hurt to be pushed to the side lines, I could understand Richard completely. For so many years I, too, had felt shut out of my daughter's life, had felt the need to butt in unwanted and rather fight with her instead of no contact at all. Richard was quieter, always had been, and was content to be in the background, but every now and then Daddy of little 4-year old Lorelai overruled Dad of grown 39-year old Lorelai. I could see that now was such a time as well. He looked at our daughter the same way he had when she had been 14 and had come home later than we had agreed on. It was a mix of parental concern, defiance and challenge to say something contrary, and Lorelai had always jumped on it. Not so that day. She calmly waited for Richard to explain himself … and he did, putting in words not only what he had felt back then and all these years since, but also what I felt to this day.

"I want you to understand what the leaving of a child does to a parent. Maybe you know now a little from the time Rory lived with us … but then you always knew she was safe and with people who love her," he said gravely, pouring his heart out. Lorelai only nodded slightly, still waiting for him to make his point. It was the first time she accepted our point of view without shouting back. So Richard continued, "Seeing your child hurt is worse than any pain you could possibly feel yourself and every day that went by without hearing from you this fear and pain grew. I couldn't bear the thought of you out there without my help and protection. When you were little I protected you from the bullies on the playground and later your mother and I suffered with you through acne and puppy love, even if we didn't show you that. And then the first date, the first time alone in the car … it was hard to let go. Then something happened and you withdrew from us, you ran away from us, our protection. I knew that there were still bullies on the playground, but this time much more dangerous, and all the old instincts come back and that's what happened to me that day. I heard you … that you had found a nice place to stay and a friendly lady who took care of you, but I still needed to see for myself that you were safe from the bullies."

Lorelai's eyes filled with tears and I felt my own eyes sting with unshed tears. She really had had no idea how much she had hurt us, how much we had feared for her. It was time she understood … it was time Richard and I let go of our demons. Richard had not finished, though. Looking back at Luke, still standing by the door, he spoke quietly.

"Finally you met someone who loves you and takes care of you and you don't need us anymore. We're not too thrilled about that but I get used to it."

Luke understood the message of a father, who despite his words still found it incredibly hard to accept that his baby girl was all grown up, and nodded fiercely, giving us the reassurance that he would always be there for Lorelai … even after we wouldn't be able to look after her anymore.

"Oh, Daddy!" With a strangled sob Lorelai threw herself into her father's arms, tears cascading unchecked down her cheeks. "I still need you and Mum. I never stopped needing you … why do you think I came back? It wasn't all about the money or Rory pushing me. I so want us to break through this crap and be a real happy family." Her arms had wrapped tightly around his neck and her face was buried into his shirt front. Richard's arms were around our daughter and he simply held her in his arms, lost for words. I could see the joy of having her back in his arms shining out of his eyes. I was probably the only person who knew how much this gesture meant to him. My own arms still tingled from the sensation of holding my child again.

Without me realizing it, tears had escaped my eyes as well and rolled down my cheek. One of Richard's hands came up and cupped my cheek lovingly. His thumb brushed over my skin, wiping the tears away. I pressed a gentle kiss to his palm before cupping his hand with mine and snuggling my cheek deeper into his hand.

It took all three of us a few moments to pull ourselves together again. Luke produced a package of tissues from his jeans pocket and handed Lorelai one before holding it out for me to take another one. As I dried my tears, careful not to smear my make-up, I noticed Lorelai still eying Richard and me with an expression in her eyes I couldn't quiet place. She sat between us, careful to be close enough so that our thighs touched, her arms brushing against us as she moved. Richard couldn't let go of her entirely either. His hand rested on her knee, squeezing it occasionally as if to make sure she was still there. I felt myself leaning into Lorelai's side.

A heartfelt sigh issued from Richard mouth, causing Lorelai and me to look up questioningly.

"Emily, I think we have to show her," he said quietly.

I sucked in my breath sharply, shaking my head vigorously. My blood drained from my face and my hands became clammy. He couldn't mean that?

Lorelai's eyes travelled between Richard and me, growing worried again. I remembered that she hated being kept in the dark … just like me.

Richard didn't wait for my approval. It had been a statement and not a question. He simply motioned Luke to pick up my purse and get out my calendar. To give Luke credit, he was reluctant and shyly looked at me for affirmation. I nodded, then looked away. Feeling Lorelai's arms come around my waist and her head leaning into my shoulder, I knew that this time I wouldn't have to go through it alone.

Opening my calendar Luke drew out the old, withered newspaper article I had cut out and carried around with me like a talisman. After a few more moments' hesitation he began to read, his voice faltering more and more towards the end.

_Teenage girl raped; police seeking suspect_

_Hartford police are asking for the public's help in locating a man who allegedly raped a teenage girl under the arch of the back entrance to the railroad station before cutting her throat. Hartford police officers are looking for a suspect in the reported first-degree rape and murder of a 17-year-old girl, which allegedly occurred in April 1984._

_Detective Jason Bickle is asking for help in identifying this rape suspect, and Forensic artist Michelle Chase has produced a drawing of the suspect based on a conversation with witnesses who noticed the suspect's strange behavior afterwards._

_The victim of this crime is not being identified. She is approximately 17 years old, has black hair, is of medium height, slim figure, blue eyes._

_The police was told that the alleged rapist was a white male, mid-20s, dark hair, dark eyes, 5-feet-10 in height and approximately 190 pounds. "The witnesses said he smelled heavily of body odor and dirt," Bickle stated in a press release Thursday morning. "He had approximately 3-4 days growth of facial hair." The night of the incident the alleged rapist was wearing jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. Initially, the suspect introduced himself as "Howard."_

_The incident took place under the arch of the back entrance to the railroad station at approximately 10 p.m., but Bickle said he cannot disclose further information because of the ongoing investigation._

"_At this time," Bickle said, "this is the only description we have of the suspect, and I cannot release further information."_

_Anyone who has information regarding the identity of the suspect should call the Hartford Police Department. _

Beside me Lorelai trembled violently. When she finally spoke her voice held all the pain my heart felt.

"I am so incredibly sorry for what I put you through, Mummy."

I nodded not trusting my voice.

"Was this before my call?"

Again I nodded, closing my eyes. I could see how her mind put all the pieces of the puzzle together and came to a conclusion, but it was Luke's voice which whispered the horrible truth.

"You thought this girl was Lorelai."

Drawing a shaky breath, I gathered the last bits of my strength and replied as evenly as I possibly could."

"Yes. When I read that article I believed I had lost Lorelai forever. I broke down that day …"

"… and you didn't get up again for a month," Lorelai finished softly.


	6. Closure

The air in Richard's office was now charged highly with emotions. For Richard and me it was relief to let go of the last bit of anger and fear. In Lorelai's eyes I could easily read a new sense of understanding. I saw true remorse … and all of a sudden I didn't want my daughter apologizing anymore. It didn't really matter after all these years; what mattered was that she was safe, healthy, and willingly coming back to us, letting us in her life and giving us the chance to be the parents she wanted and needed us to be.

Slowly Lorelai leaned into my side, her head resting naturally on my chest over my beating heart. Her arms went around my neck. A smile tucked at my mouth. Times didn't change everything, it seemed. Now time stood still then moved backwards to the moments I held my small girl in my arms in exactly the same fashion. Feeling a slight shudder against me, I looked down and saw Lorelai trying to suppress her trembling.

"I hear your heart."

I wasn't quite sure if I had heard it correctly so I held my tongue. Of course she would hear my heart! What else should she be hearing?

"The pillows don't have a heartbeat."

Suddenly I understood and a jolt went through me. How often had I seen her hugging her pillow to her chest? As a child and when she was sick as an adult, giving me the only change of late to be there for my child. She had been curled up on the sofa clutching a fold of the blanket and a small pillow to her chest. She had looked so adorable and small. Before today I had thought it was simply a habit she had inherited from me. Suddenly I understood that my daughter had yearned for my embrace – all these years she had clung to her pillow imagining it to be me, remembering old times. I looked down on her, seeing her closed eyes and an angelic smile on her face. For the second time, I was thrown back in time and saw my toddler instead of my fully-grown daughter. My arms came up and wrapped around her waist and shoulders. Gently I drew her impossibly closer. Before my letter, her letter and our talk now, she would have shied away, wouldn't have accepted the offered comfort. Before today I would have shied away of risking her repudiation by hugging her. When had I stopped hugging her? When had she started shoving me away? WHY? Why had it all changed? I didn't know the answers and before I knew it, or could stop myself, I spoke aloud.

"Oh Lorelai," I whispered softly, "why did we stop hugging?"

"We stopped apologizing, Mum, we simply stayed mad at each other," Lorelai mumbled, not moving an inch. "But for the life of me, I don't know how we could let it come to that. I never forgot the good times, but I have to admit that I have pushed them away from me when they surfaced."

"So did I, Lorelai, so did I. It was too painful to face those memories," I admitted and lay my cheek on the crown of her raven head. We hadn't been this close for far longer than I could bear thinking about. For quite some time we simply sat there, holding each other and drawing comfort from our newfound closeness.

It was Richard who broke the silence in the end. "Is there more in your letter?"

Lorelai nodded quietly, but didn't lift her head from my chest or moved in any way. Her eyes were still closed and I wasn't entirely sure if she had really heard Richard. Just as he was about to repeat his question, Lorelai sighed and opened her eyes.

"Yeah, the stuff I should have written first, the stuff I really meant to say – but the hurt-outs just came tumbling out and then I wanted to explain what happened at that time, Dad, like Mum did." Lorelai's voice was small and she couldn't quite meet her father's eyes. A tear slipped from her eye and ran down the curve of her cheek. "I didn't want to justify or defend my running away, just explain it. Please believe me! I had no idea what you went through – this article, Mum's medical stuff and then her breakdown. If I had known I would have acted differently – I guess – I really hope, because I don't think I could be that cruel … oh God, what if I still would've …?"

Lorelai was rambling and really working herself up into a panic attack. Her cheeks were flaming red, her eyes held a horror-inspired expression and tendrils of her hair stuck to her sweaty forehead as she had jumped up and was now pacing the room in increasingly smaller circles. My arms felt strangely bereft and empty without her to hold onto. Richard's eyes followed Lorelai's movements and his mouth was working silently – it couldn't have been clearer that he didn't know what to do to calm our distraught daughter if he had yelled. I myself had never been able to handle Lorelai in turmoil … always suffering right along with her. Besides she rarely listened … she was a force to behold.

Luke still stood next to Richard's desk, newspaper cutting still in hand, obviously in shock. A frown on his face betrayed his discomfort over this whole situation. I didn't delude myself into thinking that Luke liked us, too fresh were the memories of my attempt to break them up. How did he see us now, after all these revelations?

Gently he placed the note on Richard's desk and stepped forward into Lorelai's path. I expected him to be run over, to be honest. Instead he simply put his hands on Lorelai's shoulders and stopped her circular movements. Slowly he bent forward and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"Calm done, Lorelai," he spoke quietly. "Just tell your parents what else you wrote, or let them read for themselves. Shall I get you another coffee or some junk food?"

It was wonderful to see him handle our whirlwind … and I had to admit he was better at it than we had ever been. Luke knew exactly what she needed at the moment and had no qualms bribing her with it.

Lorelai smiled wryly, feeling very self-conscious about her outbreak. She looked down at her shoes, breathing deeply before speaking.

**I guess she knew right away that I was a runaway – so did Mia when I stood before her.I remember how nervous I was, but your voice, Mum, told me to play it cool and not show uncertainty and Dad's voice said that I shouldn't dare to sell myself under worth. So you see, Mummy, you had a profound influence on me. If not for you, I would have given up, wouldn't have a successful business today. It was not only the thought of your smug, superior faces should I return that kept me going, I also wanted to make you proud of me.**

**I never stopped considering how you would feel about something I did, said, or wore, or what you would say to my life. Admittedly, I did a lot of stuff that you wouldn't approve of, and yes, I did it in the first place because you wouldn't approve of it. But even living in Stars Hollow and on my own, I never overstepped the invisible lines of your education. That is why I got the job as maid. I was hard-working, punctual, polite, accurate and reliable. Mia often commented on that, saying how well my parents did raising me and how proud I must feel calling them my parents. She didn't knew back then, that every time she said it, it was like a knife cutting right to my heart.**

**I wanted to come home to you, missing you something awful. I cried so badly at night, feeling alone and homesick. Every time something good happened in my life I wanted to call you. All the photos in my house of Rory's first word, step, tooth and so on I took for you. I wanted to share those moments with you some day. I still have a box of stuff, but really it's not enough. I know that now. I cheated myself, Rory, and you out of a family. That is my greatest regret in life … closely followed by the night I spent with Christopher when Luke and I split up and our marriage. Looking back at my life and knowing that I have only those two major regrets in my life, I feel that I can still be proud of it. I only hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me and look at my life and come to realize the same. I always wanted to make you proud of myself and maybe one day you will be.**

**After your letter, Mum, I came to understand your and Dad's motives. Maybe the execution lacked and maybe we should have communicated more in my childhood, but all in all we tried our best to be perfect. Being a mother myself, I know that there is no perfection just trying as hard as you can. And because of that realization I forgive you and I forgive myself. For all our sakes I hope that we can now move on and be a real family again.**

**Your loving daughter**

**Lorelai**


	7. Forgiveness

After the echo of Lorelai's last words faded away she just stood awkwardly next to Luke and I could see that she was scared. Her hand frantically searched Luke's and, once she found it, latched onto it with desperation. I could see Luke flinch a little at the force of her grip. Once upon a time it had been my hand Lorelai clung to. Her first day in kindergarten and later school had been occasions when she had been extremely unsure of herself and she had tried to draw strength from me. It gave me hope for their relationship, seeing this small, subconscious gesture and Luke's instinctive response.

Next to me I caught a glimpse of Richard dragging a hand tiredly through his hair and then over his face. "We can't just start again where we left off, Lorelai … and I don't think we should. Too much hurt, blame, guilt and shame built up over the years …"

"Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living," Luke commented wisely – and we all stared at him. I certainly hadn't expected anything like that coming out of his mouth. 'Well, well, well, look at that. Maybe he isn't such a bad match for our Lorelai,' I thought. Glancing at Richard through my lashes I could easily read the same thoughts in his raised eyebrow and had to smirk, after 40-odd years I could read him even better than ever before.

Luke turned a faint hue of red and looked down on his feet, shoveling them nervously. "My dad always said that … It's pretty much what I told Lorelai about opening the Dragonfly."

Lorelai nodded enthusiastically, then turned around to Luke, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pressed a kiss to his lips, tenderly and gazing lovingly into his eyes. When she settled back onto her heels, her lips still only inches away from his lips, she whispered, "You might not consider yourself an educated man but you always know what to say. I love you."

For the first time she said that to him in front of us – Was she giving us a glimpse into her elusive life? Freely and naturally, as if we had every right to see this? Before I could come up with an answer to my own questions, Lorelai turned around to face her father.

"I don't expect us to start from where we have left off, Dad," she said thoughtfully. "I expect us to continue to do what we have been doing minus the residual anger and disappointment. I know I spoiled the plan …"

I had to stop that line of thinking before Lorelai could yet again convince herself of its truth … after all it couldn't be further from the truth. My words spilled out of my mouth before I could think them over and stop them.

"I admit, I had plans for my children. Every mother has. You had plans for Rory … that she goes to Harvard and she mentioned something about her 21st birthday. Normally, when a child doesn't live up to your plans for it – to your expectation, if you want – it's not that bad, you tell yourself that the next one will. I didn't have that, this chance had been taken away from me from the very beginning. It was you and only you – always. I focused all my plans for all the children I had wanted and their futures I had imagined on you. Now I know that it was wrong of me to expect all these things from you … you were a teenager and what I expected was too much. And now, I look at you and you have exceeded my expectations, my wildest dreams. You may not have followed our plans but you have made your own plans and fulfilled them. I'm so very proud of you, my baby. I love you"

The moment I saw Lorelai's head whip up to meet my eyes and the speechless happiness I could see in them, I knew that for once I had found the right words. Richard's arm snaked around my shoulders and he pressed me to himself, smiling broadly.

"Well said, darling, well said indeed," he said softly. Meeting our daughter's eyes as well, he spoke in the same soft voice, laying his heart bare. "You and Rory both have made me prouder than I thought I could ever be. The only moment to top the feelings I felt at Rory's party in Stars Hollow, was the moment your mother placed you in my arms and told me that I had a daughter."

My eyes filled with tears remembering the moment he spoke of. I had been amazed beyond words that he and I had created such a small, perfect wonder. Gently I placed my hand on his cheek and turned his head towards me. I craned my neck a little and kissed him tenderly, slowly, drawing the kiss out and forgetting for a moment where we were and that we weren't alone. A strangled sob interrupted our bliss and before my mind could catch up with reality, a soft weight bumped into us from the side and two arms wrapped around us. Lorelai buried her face in Richard's shoulder and held us tightly. She didn't say anything for some time, simply holding onto us as if her life depended on it. Finally she came to somewhat and raised her head from Richard's shoulder.

"Mum, Dad, you have no idea how much this means to me, seriously," she beamed at us like a kid in a candy-shop and I felt my own mouth stretch into a broad smile. With some difficulty I freed a hand and stroked her hair out of her face. Her eyes locked with mine briefly and with her fathers, before looking at us both again. "I love you, too."

My heart burst with joy at that moment. Richard was right; this really came very close to the unadulterated love and joy and elation I had felt after giving birth to Lorelai. We had her back – and this time without pressure, or blackmail, or Rory's gentle force.

Luke's voice penetrated our little slice of heaven. "Well, I really hope that our wedding day and the birth of maybe one or two more grandchildren will also make it into the top five moment of your life, Mr. Gilmore."

Both Lorelai's and my head whipped up and around to stare at him. Lorelai's mouth hung slightly open and I knew that my eyes were as round as saucers. Again Luke's cheeks flamed faintly and he looked down. "The time apart was hell for me and I know it was me who messed it up the first time. If you can give me a second chance, I …"

Lorelai's gaping mouth closed and transformed into a brilliant smile. "This is definitely in the top two moments of my life. I finally start a positive and loving relationship with my parents again and my boyfriend makes me the promise of a proposal in the near future." She got up from in front of us and sauntered over to Luke. "The answer now and then is 'yes'." She kissed him, a lot more passionately this time. Sliding her arms around his neck and her hands into his hair, tossing his baseball cap onto the floor, she rose up on tiptoes. Luke's arms wrapped around her slim waist and almost lifted her clean off her feet in his eagerness to draw her even closer.

Just as I was about to clear my throat and draw their attention back to us, Lorelai gently disentangled herself from their intimate embrace. "So? You missed me, you can't live without me, you want to spent the rest of your life with me … I mean, can you handle the craziness?"

"I figured being with you is worth the craziness," Luke said between chuckles. "Must be a Gilmore trait." He winked at her and laughingly ducked her playful slap to his shoulder.

Richard laughed next to me and winked at Luke. "No, not a Gilmore trait, but rather a MacKinnon trait." With that he winked at me and squeezed my waist with his arm still around me.

I huffed in mock-indignation and turned around only to see Lorelai and Luke snickering across the room. "Now look what you have done," I exclaimed, glaring at Richard – or better hoping it looked convincingly enough like a glare.

It only took a second for us all to dissolve into laughter. For far too many years our relationship with Lorelai hadn't been this carefree and jovial. Finally we could laugh over the same things again and be on good enough terms to be joking around and teasing the other a little without it being misunderstood and leading to a fight.

Our relationship was healing and we all looked towards a brighter future – together as a family.


End file.
